Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
