I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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