When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
