I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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