Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
