my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
