Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
