and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
