Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
