Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
