Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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