so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
