I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
