Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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