i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
