I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
