Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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