Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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