i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
