I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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