Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
