Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
These tits shall not be calmed
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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