Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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