I should be sponsored by Trojan
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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