I want to make a zoo with you.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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