so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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