Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
