That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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