quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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