Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
