I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
