There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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