well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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