I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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