I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Acid is not a monday night drug
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
