I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
