the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
