You really coming over, don't trick.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
