Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
