went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
