Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
