This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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