I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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