The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
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I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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