you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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