I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
