Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
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Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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