Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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