he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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