Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
