I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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