I wish i was in the wii world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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