I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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