I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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