I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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