I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
