Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
